I don’t normally write posts like this. I pretty much like to keep it lighthearted here, but I just kind of felt that with school starting, us parents needed a little encouragement. Just to give you some background: I had my first child in 2007 and worked outside the home until my second child was born in 2009. Then in 2010 I had my third child. I have seen both sides of the coin.
Last week, I checked my email, and there was a note from my husband with a link to a blog post about a woman, who when asked what she did for a living, she felt kind of ashamed to say she was a Stay at Home Mom. She wasn’t ashamed of staying home with her kids every day, she was more embarrassed of what other people would think. Like being a stay at home parent wasn’t enough.
This was my response:
“Do I feel inferior to hardworking professionals? Yes, occasionally, but not because I’m not hardworking. It is an exterior pressure that I sometimes feel. If I got paid for what I do at home, I think that there would be less sense of inferiority. I also think this is mostly a phenomenon in the U.S. I’m pretty sure that being a stay at home parent is the hardest work I’ve ever done, and will ever do. The total sacrifice of self is what makes it so hard. In my professional life, I could leave my desk at any time to use the rest room, I could listen to whatever I wanted on the radio, I had ½ hour commute to myself in the car, I could eat whatever I wanted for lunch, I could talk to adults, I could put on make up, and shower on my own schedule. These simple tasks to me almost seem lavish and selfish to me now. As a stay at home parent, I am a teacher, mediator, laundry service, psychiatrist, nurse, event planner, personal assistant, chef, accountant, maintenance woman, janitorial service, chauffeur, and that is not even scratching the surface of all I do for my family. I have learned all these jobs without any formal education or on the job training. Parents who work outside the home, do all of this AND earn money for their family, however, they also get to use the bathroom in peace. There are arguments to both sides, but the implication that a stay at home parent is less of a person or should feel shame because they are home with their children drives me insane. I think families make the choices that are right for them, there shouldn’t be any shame in taking care of your family, no matter how you want to do it, whether it be earning money outside the home or being a stay at home parent. We should all be supporting each other in raising happy, healthy, independent and well mannered members of our society.”
I wrote this response to the woman’s post in the hopes that she knew A.) she was not alone B.) I think a lot of stay at home parents feel this way and C.) that being a stay at home parent is hard work.
I totally felt for this woman. Brian knows how I feel about stay at home parents. I think it is a very honorable job, but an extremely thankless one. I also feel that there is a stereotype that comes with being a stay at home parent.
When I was a kid, there was always that notion that Stay at Home Moms did nothing but lie around, watch soap operas, and eat bon bons all day. Oh! How I wish that were true! More days than not, I wish I could just stay in my jammies, not because I cannot find two minutes to myself to shower and get dressed, but because I am actually making the conscience choice to stay in my pajamas.
I was surprised to see that I was not the only person who felt this way. That while we all know we are doing something honorable for our family and we are making serious sacrifices, we also feel like we are fighting an image.
For the past three years, I have stayed home full time with my kids. It was the right decision for OUR family at the time, and continues to be for the time being. Here is what I have found out in that time:
- Those who have children are parents. Period. Whether you stay at home, work outside the home, work part time, have a nanny, or send your kid to day care. We are all doing our best for our kids.
- Fact of the matter is, kids (little kids that is) cannot be left alone. So, whether mom or dad stays home to care for the kids or Grandma, Grandpa, neighbor, friend, nanny, day care provider is helping to take care of a child, the reality is, there are different jobs to raising kids. Someone has to be with the kids, and someone has to pay for it all. So, who cares who does what job, as long as the job is being done.
- Being a stay at home parent is probably the hardest job I will ever have. It is a 24/7, 365 grueling marathon. No, I’m not sitting around eating bon bons all day. I’m not even sitting most days. And forget bon bons. There are some days feeding myself doesn’t fit into my day until nap time.
So why the judgement? Why the criticism? Why do stay at home parents feel guilty about not earning money (even though they help save their families thousands of dollars in child care costs)? For that matter, why do working parents feel guilty for having to work outside the home for their children? Aren’t we all “there” for our kids? Whether you are the emotional support, general caregiver, or financial supporter (or all three)?
I don’t know why there is judgement, but I’m going to do my part and just be grateful for the happy, healthy, well mannered and loved kids I know. Because I know first hand how much work goes into having just that.
